I live in the in-between. The world is typically viewed as quite cartesian in its cosmology--things are black or white, right or left, up or down. But that’s not the world I live in--I live in a world of neither and both.
I wanted to be an architect at an early age because it was both technical and artistic. We live in a world that likes things to be well classified, one or the other. Often the question is asked in bemusement are you right-brained or left-brained, more logical-verbal or spatial-nonverbal. We like right brained, reality based thinking, they are the technicians that make the world happen. Artist are the left brained, weird spatially groovy creatively inclined types. They are a minority in our world but nevertheless an accepted archetype and function in our society. Obviously, the two don’t mix well. Yet, I am both. (In the process of pondering this point, I even took a quick online Right-Left Brain test and came out a statistical tie at 51:49 percent.)
As an undergraduate I got my Bachelor of Science in Mathematics and Computer Science (at UCLA we called that South Campus, the hard sciences) but I spent much of my time studying history, psychology, architecture, and art (if you hadn’t guessed that was North Campus). Later I went back and got my Masters of Arts in Depth Psychology and then postgraduate certification in Drama Therapy and Experiential Psychologies. Professionally I ended up as a technical consultant in Information Technology, the more lucrative choice for someone with the capability of comprehending the big picture, communicating that with the stakeholders, and then breaking it down into byte size computer code. Although with my bi-spherical orientation I have the distinct sensation of Doctor Frankenstein, feeling every sinew and nerve of my glorious creature (yes I know I am whacked, but I really do get off on it--I sometimes wake up late at night overcome by an effervescent mad-scientist chortle... oops did I say that out loud?) On the other hand, in regards to our right brain world, we don’t really value psychological health that's what drugs and alcohol are for, the comparative economist early on said, not a good career choice; but for me it was a necessary field of study. It was not a career path as much of a life path, which I am still trying to figure out. If nothing else, I just needed to understand me (a rather expensive form of personal therapy I might add.)
So on one hand I don’t fit into either world but because I am in the middle I actually fit into both, as long as I try to keep my big mouth shut. I have the unique opportunity to co-exist, to disprove the primary hypothesis of things must be black or white, right or left, up or down.
However, I guess at times I feel like I am hiding, no matter who I am present with. I feel like sort of the Ugly Duckling, a misfit in the middle of duckdom. It doesn’t matter if you see both sides, if no one really cares or wants to understand that the world isn’t the way they want it to be. People want it to be just the way they see it. Anyone who doesn’t see it their way is stupid, ignorant, foolish, fill-in the blank. I can argue both sides of the argument, and lose them both.
What makes it worse is that I am a deep intuitive. I go in between the between. I see what is and what it will become; projecting the possibilities out. Try mixing that with an expertise on personality theory and psychoanatomy on a date with someone you just met. Needless to say I am still single.
Of late I am exploring what this all means. How I fit into the world. How I make sense of it. How do I explain myself in terms others might understand. How do I arrive where I think I am suppose to be. How do I complete what I have started. I think they call this a mid-life crisis.
I am a successful businessman. I have accumulated more than most people have in an entire lifetime. I am in the middle of a number of projects that express my enjoyment and purpose in life—including building my dream home (I never became that architect, so I am building me my own version of what a 21st century home was suppose to be ala a futuristic 1960’s George Jetson meets Star Trek by way of Frank Lloyd Wright.) I am halfway through writing a book that expresses my passion and advocacy for psychological and spiritual health laid out in what I hope is a creative manner. I have a great community of friends who I trust and believe in.
Yet time ticks away and I feel stuck. I feel at odds with a world that I both understand and don’t understand. A world I guess I am suppose to help change for the better according to some subliminal voice that attached to my cerebral cortex sometime around the age of 5, but somehow it still looks the same as it ever was.
I suppose the big lesson is don’t drink two glasses of wine (actually I think I am gonna top this one off before I finish this sentence) and then try to make sense out of life in a pretentious format like a blog. I am sure none of this will make sense tomorrow. Or then again, maybe it will all make sense…. I guess it just depends on which side of the bed I wake up on whether the right or left.
If this is the last blog I write it's because I figured it all out. I will be waiting for you on a exquisite precipice somewhere in the Himalayas where you will find me sitting on a modest but impressive stone pedestal. You may then approach humbly and ask me one question... ahh... I said one question only, so think carefully...
Otherwise tomorrow morning I will be sitting in a booth at Woody's Diner and you can ask me whether I think the Daily Special is all that good....
No comments:
Post a Comment